Diana Kirschner is a popular American psychologist who has been trying to help people with relationship problems for several years and has written a number of books for that purpose. She also regularly appears in talk shows. In this way, she gives her vision on how one can get a somewhat faltering sex life going again and get the most out of it.
Sex is good for the body
Sex is a beautiful gift that we have been given and that we can share with others with whom we can enjoy as much as we want. Good sex ensures optimal physical and mental health and brings life to a relationship. Sex releases endorphins that give you a euphoric feeling and suppress stress and pain (runners have a similar feeling, where it is called runner’s high ). After you have had sex with your partner, you both feel good about each other. Testosterone provides sexual energy for both sexes but also creates a close bond. And sex also causes a surge of oxytocin , the so-called cuddle hormone that characterizes mother and child, a hormone that is released during positive contact as well as during a strong biological bond, such as touching and making love.
Sexual short circuit
It all sounds fantastic, but unfortunately various studies show that many people are dissatisfied with their sex lives. The Journal of the American Medical Association wrote that 43% American women and 31% men admit to having a sexual problem. And we all know that in such studies the published percentages are below the real percentages, because let’s face it: who likes to admit that they can’t get it up or that they can’t have an orgasm during sex?
Kirschner sees four points to reactivate a couple’s sex life. To be clear: she describes the points she lists from the woman’s point of view.
1. Creativity
When making love, breaking away from the routine is paramount. Creativity is the key to generating dopamine , the chemical process in the brain that causes excitement and ecstasy, among other things. If you are addicted to someone and are carried away by a crazy feeling, you can be sure that dopamine has something to do with it. So if you would like to continue to cherish that exciting feeling, try one or more of the following suggestions:
- Choose other places to have sex
- Create a special atmosphere with candles, for example, or a bubble bath
- Use feathers for a sophisticated game of excitement
- Use sex toys with and for each other
- Wear lingerie or other sexy clothing
- Vary your foreplay
- Try out new positions
- Extremely important: make sure both are completely satisfied
2. Sexual ecstasy
Sexual ecstasy means that each partner focuses internally on his/her own pleasure and sensations and can completely let go sexually. In win-win sex, both partners manage to get maximum pleasure and achieve a strong release in the orgasm. Learn by experimenting so you know what works best for both of you.
If you want to know what works best for your partner, try touching, massaging, licking or stimulating him all over his body. Keep an eye on his reactions and ask him what he likes. Try different sexual techniques, vary the positions and don’t forget oral sex! Almost all men love oral sex. Ultimately, you are responsible for getting to know your body and finding out the circumstances under which you experience the most sexual pleasure.
You can work on your own sexual ecstasy by using what legendary sex therapists Masters and Johnson described as sensate focus (focusing on physical sensations). For this simple but effective technique, all you need is a place where you can retreat in peace and quiet to explore your entire body and get to know those parts where you experience the most pleasure and the sensations are the strongest.
The more you know about each other’s bodies, the better you will be able to pleasure each other. Guide each other by saying things like “I like it when you gently caress my breasts or I would like it if you would run your skillful tongue over my belly and gradually go a little lower or I love it when you touch my back.” . Even if you have problems with it now, you should try to get over it in order to ignite new sources of pleasure.
3. Commitment to your partner
Dedicating yourself to your partner means engaging in interactive sex and sex play. You view your partner as another person whose happiness and satisfaction are as important as yours. At the highest point of this commitment is extreme happiness and ecstasy, plus a feeling of being one with your partner. Through the promise of commitment to each other, you have both committed to give yourselves completely sexually to each other and to satisfy each other optimally. In this perspective, you adapt to the needs of the other person, without ever reaching a point of unbearable pain or trauma.
Be creative and spontaneously take the initiative to please your partner. Choosing a quickie at an unexpected moment is a wonderful initiative. There’s nothing like surprise sex to activate erotic sensations.
4. Role play
The last type of sexual intimacy is role play. The couple creates a kind of play in which the fantasies of both are shared and performed. About 95% of people admit to having sexual fantasies. So you are not alone. Fantasies help you discover all the aspects of your personality and allow you to free yourself completely. As an additional advantage, the reason for cheating disappears because you have now found a new and different partner. The excitement and novelty of role-playing continues to keep dopamine levels high, and thus also passion.
Role play often arises from fantasies. The most common role plays involve an imagined romantic lover, being overpowered, reliving a previous sexual experience, or the feeling of doing something bad or forbidden. Usually this involves roles such as the naughty doctor and the patient, the naughty cop and the criminal, the master and the slave.
The psychologist
Diana Kirschner already has several publications to her name. Her first works focused on the impact of violence on children. She also studied discrimination against people based on gender and age in the media and specialized in the theme of love and dating from the beginning of the 21st century. She wrote a bestseller with Love in 90 Days in which she explained her master plan on how every woman can find her great love in 90 days.
